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Breakfast Telly (Transcript)
Back to the episode: Introduction *and Barry are in the studio. You can see them deliberately waiting for their cue *'Paul:' So this is it. The first day of ChuckleVision. Just imagine. My own programs, Own script, Own staff. *'Barry: '''Own staff? *'Paul:' Yeah you. *'Barry:' Ooh I've never been staff before. *'Paul:' Oh it's a very responsible job. *'Barry:' Is it? *'Paul:' Yes and who knows. After this the skies the limit! *'Barry: Well whats the first show about then? *'''Paul: Well what do you think at this time of day? *thinks for a bit *'Paul:' Well it's a breakfast time show isn't it? *'Barry:' Ooh. *'Paul:' And guess what? *'Barry:' What? *'Paul:' I'm presenting it! *'Barry:' Great! Can you cook then? *'Paul: '''Why? *'Barry:' The breakfast? *'Paul:' Noo! You haven't got it at all haven't ya? Look you run along while i get on with it. *sends Barry away then sits down on his chair *(Cue the ChucklevVision intro) After the Theme Song *stretches his arms while the clock is ticking. He yawns *'Paul:' Good morning! It's.....checks the time Very early. It's Saturday and it's breakfast time. *'Barry:' Right here we are! *brings a tray full of breakfast food *'Paul:' We.... *sets the tray on Paul's table *'Barry:' There we are then. I've done your eggs just as you like them and i have done you some soilders as well. *'Paul:' What for? *'Barry:' To dip in your egg. *'Paul:' No! I mean what's all the breakfast for? *'Barry:' Well it's breakfast time! *'Paul:' Not that kind of breakfast! Take it away. *'Barry: Oh! *clock stops ticking. The brothers stop in confusion. The look at the clock then smash it with their hand. It ticks again *'Paul: '''Ah *'Barry: Hey. Can't i do anything? *'Paul:' No i don't need any help. *'Barry:' But what about the camera's and the lights and everything? *'Paul:' Ooh it all works automatically! *'Barry:' Automatically? *'Paul:' Look. You see all these buttons here? *'Barry:' Yeah? *'Paul:' I just press a button and everything happens automatically. *'Barry:' Great! What about the red one over there? *is about to touch the button but Paul stops him *'Paul:' Ah-ah-ah-ah! Never touch that red button! Whatever you do don't touch that red button! *'Barry:' Aw...Well cant i do anything? *'Paul: '''Yes i tell you what you can do. *'Barry:' What? *'Paul:' You can go and get me a nice comfy settee for me interviews. *'Barry:' Right *thinks then leaves with the breakfast *'Paul: And now for a special report from our roving reporter! The Reporter *are now outside with a lady speaking to the mic *'''Reporter: Thanks Frank! Well as promised here we are in the heart of Liverpool City Center and even though it's... *enters with the Sofa and interrupts the Lady *'Barry:' I've got one Paul! *'Reporter:' And even though its very very early in the morning.. *is speaking in the background *'Barry:' Excuse me....Thank you. *'Reporter:' As you can see theirs still a lot of crowds hustling and bustling all around me. *leaves as the reporters voice fades out *'Barry:' It's starting to rain now. I hope it doesn't come too heavy. Paul likes this. *is pushing the sofa as he speaks The Trip to the Studio *pushes the sofa by the Church. It cuts to Barry pushing the Sofa on a bridge *'Barry:' Woah! Hey! Steady! Woah! Steady! Woah! *shot shows Barry on a ship sitting on the Sofa whistling. After a long view of the boat sailing we see Barry unload the Sofa with a few men. Barry scans for a bit then proceeds to take his route. Next shot shows Barry carrying the sofa through some large grass patches.Barry is puffing as he is tired *'Barry:' Time for a rest. sits on the sofa but it snaps. When Barry sits down he goes really deep into the sofa Oh. I don't know what Paul's gonna say now! shot shows Barry carrying the Sofa to the studio. He must have travelled ages Here at last! I'd better tidy this up otherwise Paul will know theirs something wrong. straightens the cushions That's it. takes the sofa inside *cuts to inside the studio with Barry entering with the Sofa Inside the Studio *'Barry:' Paul! Can you give us a hand? *arrives *'Paul:' What a hand? *'Barry:' Yeah *'Paul: '''Oh yes certainly! *'Barry: Thanks. *'''Paul: I'll take this. Just bring it over here! *takes one cushion with him while Barry has to take the entire sofa to the studio. Poor Barry! *'Barry:' Irritated Thanks... *'Paul:' Come on. Come on. Bring it right in here. That's it. Right by my chair. *struggles to drag the Sofa to the main area where they present. Paul puts the cushion on his small armchair and sits down on it *'Barry:' Right. *'Paul:' That's it have you got it? That's it just a touch further. pops the sofa down That will do lovely. That will do. *sofa is in it's rightful spot *'Barry:' What do you think? *'Paul:' Well let's have a look then...gets out of his chair Just a minute? What's this doing here!? picks up a piece of paper from the sofa and reads it Do you know what this is? *'Barry:' Looks like a piece of paper. *'Paul:' Yeah it's a piece of paper but it's the schedule! *'Barry:' Schedule? What does that do then? *'Paul:' Well this tells you what's in the program. What's going on and what's gonna happen and where. *'Barry:' Oh. *'Paul:' Look here. shows Barry something Wayne Sleeps coming in later. *'Barry:' Oh well i'd better call the vet then. *'Paul:' What for? *'Barry:' For the lame sheep. *'Paul:' Not lame sheep! Wayne Sleep! *'Barry:' Oh you mean! *dances like Wayne Sleep *'Paul:' Yeah that's him! That's him! Yeah shows him more of the program And theirs Elton John! *'Barry:' It's a shame about all these animals isn't it? *'Paul:' What are you talking about? *'Barry:' Well you said his elephants gone? *'Paul:' Not elephants gone! Elton John! *'Barry:' Ooh. *Phone rings *'Paul:' Oh there's the phone. Go and answer it. *'Barry:' Can i answer it!? *'Paul:' Yeah you answer it. *'Barry:' Great! *rushes to answer the phone The Table *picks the up the phone and answers it *'Barry:' Hello? arrives Oh okay. Thank you. *'Paul:' Who was it? *'Barry:' Wayne Sleep. He's overslept. *'Paul:' Oh no! *sits on his table chair *'Barry:' Yes...... *'Paul:' Well let's take a look at the latest videos! holds up a bunch of VHS Videos Their very nice aren't they? *'Barry:' Very nice! *'Paul:' Very nice yes. pops the videos onto the floor Now lets go over to the weather room! *'Barry:' The weather room! *stop for a minute. Then they panic and run off screen. Barry was running the wrong way and is shown following Paul. Both however were running in the wrong direction meaning Barry was right the first time. They both run in the right direction The Weather Room *the weather room is a black simple drawing of the UK on a stand. Paul and Barry arrive *'Paul:' Now! First of all. Let's take a look at the Satellite Picture taken at 3:00 this morning! holds up a black piece of Cardboard. They stare at it for a bit As you can see. it was very dark at 3:00 this morning so lets take a closer look at the overall weather picture. They stare at the black drawing on the stand] Very good. *'Barry:' It is good. *to the audience *'Paul:' Now...er first of all you will find this morning their's lots of cloud all over Scotland. draws a big cloud on Ireland That's not Scotland! *'Barry:' Isn't it? *'Paul:' That's Ireland! Scotland's up here. points to it *'Barry:' Don't worry about it. I'll rub it out. *'Paul:' Oh right. Right. rubs out Ireland. Not just the cloud. The entire of Ireland. Whoopsy... Yes their will be cloud over Scotland. but....er the main details will be the rain. Lots of lashing rain all over the South of England draws rain in the South of England Be quite cold their too and you will probably find that their's some hailstones and they could be large as this. makes a hole with his finger. Barry looks at Paul I've been...interrupts Paul *'Barry:' How big? *makes a hole with his fingers again *'Paul:' About that size. *'Barry:' Oh right. *draws some hailstones *'Paul:' Yes I've been amongst this hailstone and it's not very nice. But don't worry because by lunchtime this will clear completely. rubs out the entire of South of England And it will be quite nice this afternoon there. Now the depression that's been hanging all over the country for weeks draws rain again on what's left of the picture. Oh dear And that fog. Doesn't it get into your bones? shivers for the viewers Don't like it at all. draws clouds But don't worry because this afternoon that will clear completely and the sun will come out and it will be really really bright. wipes off Scotland. All that's left now is pure blackness Gorgeous day for going to the beach. Now by midnight tonight you will find the overall weather picture will look something like this. stares at the picture Barry wiped off with a cloth. Barry looks worried Erm....as you can see by midnight tonight it will be dark again but er..don't forget later on in the studio Elton John will be joining us but right now it's over to morning story and Armchair Theatre. *seconds go by *'Barry:' You've not pressed the button.... *'Paul:' Ooh. No! rushes to the table with Barry following him grinning Armchair Theatre! attempts to press the red button. Paul stops him Not the red one! presses another button in the middle *card comes up Billy Butler's Armchair Theatre! *it's time for Armchair Theatre with Billy Butler! Everyone probably looks forward to this Mr. Crackenthorpe's Bath by Philippa Pearce *'Billy Butler: '''Elm Street lies between Woodside School and the Park and that's where you will find Sim Tolland, Ginger Jones and the Elm Street Children or the Elm Street lot as Woodside calls them. Now the Elm Street lot don't go round looking for trouble of course but sometimes it finds them and there certainly found them the day that Mr. Crackenthorpe's Bath was delivered. Not all the houses in Elm Street have a bath though the council liked them everywhere. Mr. Crackenthorpe hates the council. He said "I'll have my bathroom the way i want my bathroom to be thank you very much!" And so he went out and bought a bathroom goodness knows where. A second hand one as well. It was a half day at Woodside School when the bath was delivered and all the Elm Street lot were there to see it. It was a particularly large bath because Mrs. Crackenthorpe was paticularly large but Mr. Crakenthorpe said "I'll have Mrs. Crakenthorpe in that bath and out of that bath even if i have to buy a hoist!" Unfortunately the Crakenthorpe's door was very narrow and the bath was certainly very wide and it just wouldn't go in despite the Elm Street lot cheering, The men trying and Mr. Crackenthorpe jumping about and dancing and saying "I'll have the law on the lot of ya if these goods aren't delivered!" In the end the lorry drivers mate got fed up and they dumped it in the garden and there it lay for all to see. The Elm Street lot couldn't resist it. First of all Johnny and Kitty Bates got into it.That was when of course they knew Mr. Crackenthorpe was out shopping. They pretended it was a boat and began to row it with all kinds of sticks and things. Then all the other children joined in and they became a whole crew of galleyslaves rowing across the ocean then it began to rain and they pretended that the boat was leaking and they had to get the bilage water out with yoghurt cartons. Just then Mr Crackenthorpe came back suddenly from the shops and the Elm Street lot ran for their lives and then the bath disappeared. It was there in the morning when the Elm Street lot went to school. It was there in miday when they came back for there dinner but sometime during the dinner hour it vanished. Of course Mr. Crackenthorpe said "The Elm Street lot have stolen it!" But everyone of them knew that they hadn't but when they came out of school that afternoon old Mrs. Crackenthorpe came waddling towards them to ask them, no to implore them "Please return the bath" and she started crying and it was those tears because Mrs. Crackenthorpe was a nice old lady really and everybody felt sorry for her. That decided Sim Tolland. He drew the Elm Street lot around him and he said "Detect". The only trouble was there was nothing for the detectives to go on. You see every house in Elm Street had it's Kitchen at the back of the house and that's where everybody was sitting having their dinner at the time the bath must have disappeared. The only exception was little Jimmy Clegg who got out of his chair in Mrs. Cleggs front room and ran to the window. When Sim questioned him and asked him if he's seen anything he got all scared and flustered and all he could say was "Clip clop, Clip clop, Clip clop" which was his impression of a horse. Their was only one other clue to go on. A roundish damp patch on the road outside the Crackenthorpe's house. Kitty Bates measured the patch with the tape. It was 18 inches across and it seemed that their was nothing more that can be done about it and then Ginger Jones decided to have a sniff. "Phwoar! I'ts dung!" He said, "Horse dung!" The Elm Street lot were baffled. "What horse or horses and who would have removed the droppings so neatly and why?" and then someone said "Miss Munson!" Now little Miss Munson was a bit barmy about her garden and she was well known for going out and collecting droppings and compost to use a fertilizer. Everytime a Rag and Bone cart went past Miss Munson would be out their with her little shovel to collect all the droppings and then everyone realised where there detection had lead them. For the Rag and Bone cart was also the Scrap Iron Cart. Miss Munson admitted that she had heard horses hooves and that she'd seen horse droppings and the horse and cart and the Crackenthorpe's bath been driven down the road on it but she just collected her horse droppings and said nothing. She didn't want to have any trouble. So Jimmy Clegg was right. He'd seen what Miss Munson Seen and he'd heard what Miss Munson heard but he's only a little boy. That evening Sim Tolland got his big brother Bert and the rest of the Elm Street lot and went down to the local scrapyard. Sim climbed on Big Brother Bert's shoulders and looked over the wall and sure enough there in the middle of the yard looking as splendid as ever was the bath and sitting next to it on a broken down old couch was the Rag and Bone man. "Oi!" said Sim over the wall. "Who's that!? Get away! This is private property!" said the Rag and Bone man. "What did he say!?" asked Bert."Who's that with ya!?" said the Rag and Bone man. "It's my big brother and all the Elm Street lot!" and at that the Elm Street lot all stamped their feet to show that they were really there. "Nice bath!" Sim continued. "Ah Mr. Crackenthorpe has lost a very valuable bath like that! He's down at the police station this minute!". "This isn't a valuable bath!" said the Rag and Bone man. "In fact! I-I-It's no good to us at all! I-I-It just takes up valuable space! In fact! I was thinking about taking it and leaving it exactly back where i found it!". "What did he say!?" asked Bert. "He said he's returning the bath!" said Sim. And at that the Elm Street lot all stamped their feet in triumph. Nobody ever knew for certain whether the Rag and Bone man had thought the bath was left out, whether he'd taken it because he thought no one was looking. All we know is that very late, that very same night. It was left exactly where it was taken from. Mr. Crackenthorpe wasn't very happy about his bath disappearing and appearing like that in his own front garden and so he was quite civil when Mr. Clegg, Mr. Padorna and Bert Tolland appeared and they said "Hey crackers. We'll take out your front window we'll put your bath in that way". So that was that but someone must have told Mrs Crackenthorpe something because one day when the coast was clear she went down to see Sim Tolland and the Elm Street lot and she gave them a great big bag of Jelly Babies and as far as i know. Mr. Crackenthorpe never did buy a hoist to get Mrs Crackenthorpe out of the bath. Maybe he couldn't get one that was strong enough. *Billy finishes talking the ChuckleVision logo comes up. And that's that! Great eh? Now it's back to the Studio! Back to the Studio *and Barry are straightening the cushions *'Paul:' That's it. That's it. All the best breakfast shows have a nice comfortable settee you know? *'Barry:' I know. I know. *'Paul:' Yeah. Are you sure this coffee maker is working? *and Barry look at the coffee machine. It bubbles *'Barry:' Yes. *'Paul:' Oh yes that's fine. That's fine *'Barry:' Good. *'Paul:' Yeah it's nice and comfortable this settee isn't it? *'Barry:' Course it is! *'Paul:' Right i'll just try it out. *attempts to sit on the sofa but Barry stops him *'Barry:' Oh theirs no need to do that because i tried it in the shop before i got here. *'Paul:' Ah yeah you might have done but i wanna see what it's like for me guests you see. *'Barry:' Yeah but... *sits on the Sofa *'Paul:' Oh it's not comfortable at all! *stands up *'Barry: What? *'''Paul: Oh no wonder! I'm sitting on the schedule! What's that doing there? picks up the schedule and throws it away. Then attempts to sit back down. In order to stop Paul from noticing the faulty sofa Barry puts a piece of newspaper in Paul's seat Right i'll try it now then. sits down It's still not comfortable stands up and notices the newspaper What's this newspaper doing here!? That shouldn't be their either! picks it up and throws the newspaper away Try it now. *sits down but Barry stops him *'Barry:' Hey! I thought you were gonna sit in the armchair? *'Paul:' Oh no no no. I sit in the armchair while i do my interviews but me....me guests all sit here you see. I wanna see how comfortable it is... *tries to sit down but Barry tries to stop him again. He really doesn't want Paul to sit down *'Barry: 'Interrupting But don't you sure you.... *'Paul:' Interrupting Just stand out the way i'm gonna try it! eventually sits down for real. Paul sinks into the Sofa Oh! Oh! Traffic report! Go press a button! *'Barry: 'Grinning Oh right! *runs off to touch a button *'Paul:' Don't touch the red one! The Traffic Report *are now outside on a street. Paul is holding a microphone and Barry is at the Ice Cream Van *'Paul:' Oh hello. This is me yesterday. Today's traffic report concerns something that is irritating to all motorists. Traffic Cones! *walks from the van to Paul *'Barry:' Here you are Paul *'Paul:' Now.... *'Barry:' I got one for you and one for me. *passes the Ice Cream *'Paul:' Oh thanks! *'Barry:' I've given you the one with a bit of chocolate in. *'Paul:' Oh that's very nice of ya! Very nice of ya. unknowingly swaps his microphone for his Ice Cream Now were here today to investigate......realises and swaps back Oh. Were here today to investigate the manufacture of these strange items of...traffic......furniture....stares at the ice cream Just a minute. *'Barry:' What? *'Paul:' What did you get me this for? *'Barry:' Well you said we were doing something about cones. *'Paul:' Not this kind of cone! Traffic Cones! *'Barry:' Well i thought it was a bit odd when you said line them up along the road. *'Paul: '''You haven't!? *'Barry:' I have...... *points to the road. Scence cuts to a car driving and destroying the Ice Cream Cones. Paul covers his eyes in embarrassment. When the car leaves he faces the audience *'Paul:' So it's back to the studio tomorrow for some up to the minute traffic news. *looks at Barry angry Traffic News *back in the studio now looking at a model of a road with some cars. Noises are played for FX *'Barry:' As you can see traffic in town is held up but help is at hand. *picks up a white small car Back to the Table *is sat down *'Paul:' And now over to our foreign correspondent in Paris! *tries to sneakingly press the red button. Paul slaps his hand. Paul presses a yellow button Simon Lovell *cuts to Simon Lovell with French music playing. Another great part of the show. I wonder what he's doing for us today *'Simon:' I'm not in Paris! Huh and i'm not foreign! However I do have a foreign paper here so I suppose while i'm here we can get on with it and i'll do a little trick with a foreign paper. stands up The old famed French torn and restore paper routine. If you can speak French remember a word of French from the paper. flicks through the Paper to the audience If you can't speak French do as i do and look at the pictures. Flick through the paper showing all the way through and here we go with the tearing routine. Gotta be a bit strong with this. The old....slices the paper in half That's..er...4 pieces. See if my maths is as good as my French here. slices it again That's 8 pieces or 8 & 1/2 continues to rip the newspaper A little bit more tearing. Really get into this. hums while ripping. A ripped piece falls on the floor. Simon picks it up Retrieves bits from floor because otherwise it wouldn't all go back together properly. scrunches the paper back together As we say this is the famed torn and restored French paper trick and their we are chaps back in the studio you can see that paper is now fully restored. paper is all scrunched up If you don't believe me. unrolls the newspaper to reveal a fully functional paper Well have a look for yourselves. One French paper fully put back together shows the fully restored pages to prove it wasn't a fake Well i think meanwhile it's time for me to get on with my reading and...er..back to the studio attempts to read the French Paper. Scene cuts back to the Studio. That was great wasn't it? Back to the Studio *is sitting on the Table *'Paul:' What's next? Elton John coming in to go through the papers. *taps Paul on the shoulder *'Barry:' No he's not. *'Paul:' What do you mean he's not? *'Barry:' He rang earlier and had his papers delivered to his house this morning so he doesn't need to borrow ours now you see. *'Paul:' Guttered Oh dear....up Oh well...er..we join right at this minute on the sofa by Wayne Sleep.creaking noise is heard. Paul and Barry see Wayne Sleep falling in on the sofa. They look worried. A shot of him is seen with his feet sticking out followed by a popped spring Look. Hey! This is the plan. Right? Now this is the questions for Elton John right? shows him the questions and Barry nods his head Over here I've got the answers all in order. shows Barry the sheet with the answers on it You read them out. scans through the papers And don't forget these. hands Barry some hat and glasses and the papers Just go and sit behind the settee. Nobody will know the difference. *'Barry:' Will it work? *'Paul:' Course it will work. *'Barry:' He knows. leaves and heads to the settee. Paul writes something down. Barry puts the hat and Glasses on top of Wayne Sleep You won't touch these Wayne will ya? shakes his foot as to say "I won't" Good. *hides behind the sofa Interview with Elton John *arrives with a clipboard and sits down *'Paul:' Welcome back. Our special guest today is Elton John. Perhaps most well known for numbers like "Goodbye Yellow Candle in the Wind" and "Don't go Breaking my Brick". Good morning Elton. *is shouting out the interview Answers *'Barry:' 1971 *'Paul:' Yes....er...well tell me what first attracted you to the world of Pop music. *'Barry:' Being chairman of Watford Football Club! *'Paul:' Eh?.....erm....oh er...oh i see..erm... when did you see Watford play? *'Barry:' At a concert in Moscow with a Piano and a 5-Piece Band! *'Paul:' Erm.....Well out of all your recordings..er.. what was your favourite number? *'Barry:' Number 9 - The Great Centre Forward *'Paul:' Whispering Psst. Hey you've got all the answers the wrong way round *'Barry:' I know but if i turn them round i can't read the writing *'Paul:' Oh...er...well in that case...erm...I'm sorry that's all we got time for this morning and it's back to the desk....seconds go by and Paul panics Oh that's me. *runs to the desk. Barry stands up and realises and runs to Paul The Table *arrives and sits on his chair. Barry follows behind *'Paul:' Well that's it for another week.... *tries to copy Paul *'Barry:' Another week... *shoves Barry away but Barry sneaks up behind him a few seconds later *'Paul:' Erm...we hope you enjoyed our special guest. Elton John and Wayne Sleep *the shot of the Hat and Glasses and the Feet then back to Paul and Barry *'Barry:' It's a pity the sheep couldn't come though isn't it? *'Paul:' It is but it went well didn't it? *'Barry:' It did went well. *'Paul:' I thought it went well....Well a last quick look at the clock *and Barry look at the Alarm clock on the table *'Barry:' Still there. *'Paul:' Yes....Until next week then. Goodbye! *'Barry:' Goodbye presses a button on the table. Nothing happens. So he presses another button. Nothing. He constantly presses buttons in hopes that one works Why don't you try this one? presses the red button at last! *'Paul:''' No don't touch the red button!! *sign saying "I told you not to touch that!" appears. Oh the irony. Paul and Barry appear to be chatting in the background but the ChuckleVision theme song blocks the conversation. Scene cuts to The ChuckleVision credits letting us know the episode has Ended Category:Transcripts Category:Series 1 Category:Episodes Category:Episodes Written By John Sayle Category:Complete